BlackDave.org – Divide and Conquer

I’m gonna start this off with a picture:

Now, as I was saying, I am much too old to be asking Santa Claus for shit, so I’m gonna resort to the next closest thing. That (not) nigga Obama. I know he’s been fuckin up lately, signing fucked up bills and talkin about Jessica Simpson’s alleged “weight battle” and shit, but I’m gonna give him one last chance with another letter. That (not) nigga better listen and grant my wish. Let’s start this shit off.

Now, I would attach these two pictures beforehand. Sort of like how you send a picture of some fucked up kid for you to donate money to. These are them:

Dear B.Ob,
I’m writing you this letter in commemoration of your first month in office. Today is that day, right? The 20th? Who gives a fuck, really? Not really me. I know youre out being pessimistic and shit about how things are about to go down, but here’s something you can do for a citizen that doesnt involve you spending money the country doesnt have or even a fucking interview. We can just do this shit behind the scenes. You dont even have to call me, I don’t want the Barackberry’s pin number to BbM you or anything, I just require one thing. I know you’re from Hawaii, so you’ll probably understand this theory. Just roll with me. Hot girls often come from states that have hot weather. So what I’m saying is that there’s this hot girl in this hot state, aka Florida, that I’m making an effort to obtain. Writing to you by public methods hopefully either flatters her enough or gets your attention enough to make the acquisition.
You like oreos, Barack? Ever seen a two-headed coin before?
Are you finished being a rockstar yet? I hope so, because I was evalutating my last letter to you and then I realized that my rockstar girl wasn’t working out. I still love her though, but she’s just way too much of a rockstar for a nigga. I’ve played like 20 shows and she’s having meetings and shit. But what I’m getting at is that Chuck Norris would not fight you. He wouldn’t dare.
In conclusion, all I need for you is to provide this person for me:

On my doorstep. Prepared to get married and shit. You don’t even have to come to the wedding. I’m too old for Santa to help my ass out, so help my ass out.

Also, do better with that economy and tell Michelle that she’s my nigga under any circumstance fucking….ever.

Sincerely,
Black Dave.

PS – I know you can find my name and where I am if you really need to.
PSS – I really have no fucking clue what to do when Christmas carolers come to my door and I’m not 80 fucking years old. Help me out.

I know y’all are like, “You’re asking Obama for a girl?”
All I’m wondering is what the fuck would you ask him for? World peace? You really don’t want that (not) nigga to cuss you out. Really. You don’t.

And so, I’ll end this post with the same thing I started it with:

Ceejay fucking Blake.